I found lots of fodder for this blog while editing my Work In Progress over the last few days.
1. The Colonel nodded, lifting his cap from his lap. “I suspected you’d feel that way, but I had to ask.”
Are we channeling a little Dr. Seuss now? "He had a cap upon his lap, the silly chap who had a lap." We want to avoid rhyming as much as possible, so I changed it to:
The Colonel nodded, lifting his hat from his lap. “I suspected you’d feel that way, but I had to ask.”
2. Next, I found a great example of a sentence that didn't quite make sense the way I wrote it originally.
She focused on the mountains peeking up over the tops of the houses across the way to still her mind.
I flipped the sentence around and put the reason behind her action first rather than at the end and changed the tense just a smidge. It makes more sense now.
To still her mind, she focused on the mountains that peeked over the tops of the houses across the way.
3. Here's a segment where the same words are getting used too many times.
“He stares too much,” Sunny said shortly, walking into the kitchen and sitting at the table, where her school books took up most of the surface. “He doesn’t like my scars.”
“We don’t know that for sure,” Ken said. He pulled out a chair and sat next to his daughter. “Maybe he thinks you’re pretty.”
Sunny looked at Ken in amazement. “You’re wrong, Dad. He couldn’t possibly think that.”
“Why not? I do.”
“You’re supposed to think I’m pretty! You’re my father!”
“Then I must be doing my job.” Ken reached out to stroke her hair. “I do think you’re pretty, Sunny. You look more like your mother every day.”
She ducked her head, but not before Ken caught sight of the smile that broke out across her face. “I do?”
“Yes, you do, and you know your mother was very beautiful.”
Ken left her shaking her head over her studies and made himself a sandwich.
So I performed a little magic and came up with this instead:
“He stares too much,” Sunny said shortly, walking into the kitchen and sitting at the table, where her school books took up most of the surface. “He doesn’t like my scars.”
“We don’t know that for sure.” Ken pulled out a chair and sat next to his daughter. “Maybe he was captivated by your beauty,” he said with a wink.
Sunny looked at Ken in amazement. “You’re wrong, Dad.”
“Why? I think you’re very pretty.”
“You’re supposed to! You’re my father!”
“Then I must be doing my job.” Ken reached out to stroke her hair. “You look more like your mother every day.”
She ducked her head, but not before Ken caught sight of the smile that broke out across her face. “I do?”
“Yes, you do, and you know your mother was very beautiful.”
Ken left her shaking her head over her studies and made himself a sandwich.
4. Ah, but then I fell victim to a classic blunder. Never get involved in a land war in Asia? No, not that one. I fell victim to the: I'm adding stuff, and I forgot what my character was doing when I added it.
We started out with this:
Ken left her shaking her head over her studies and made himself a sandwich. Catherine came in a moment later.
“Did Benjiro say if he was hungry? I could fix him a plate,” Ken offered.
“No, I asked and he said he ate on the plane. He just wants to take a nap.”
“How about you?”
“Hmm, you’re making food for me? I have to take you up on that.”
“Sandwich, Sunny?” Ken called out.
“No thanks.”
Catherine and Ken settled down in their deck chairs and relaxed in the sunshine that was just starting to turn warm after a long winter.
In reading this, I decided that it was too choppy, so I added some. This is where I got into trouble.
Ken left her shaking her head over her studies and made himself a sandwich. Catherine came in a moment later.
“Did Benjiro say if he was hungry? I could fix him a plate,” Ken offered.
“No, I asked and he said he ate on the plane. He just wants to take a nap.”
“How about you?”
“Hmm, you’re making food for me? I have to take you up on that.”
“Sandwich, Sunny?” Ken called out.
“No thanks.”
Ken wielded his mustard knife with the finesse of someone who has seen a lot of sandwiches in his life, and moments later, two prize-winning double-decker ham and tomato sandwiches stood side by side, ready to be eaten. “We’ll be on the patio,” he called out, gathering up a handful of napkins.
“Okay, Dad.”
Catherine and Ken settled down in their deck chairs and relaxed in the sunshine that was just starting to turn warm after a long winter.
Did you catch that? Ken made himself a sandwich, and then he made two sandwiches for himself and Catherine. It's true that maybe he's still hungry and wanted another sandwich, but without an explanation, an astute reader will pick up on that. So, I just changed it to:
Ken left her shaking her head over her studies and pulled out the ingredients to make himself a sandwich.
This way, we see that he has the intent to make a sandwich but he hasn't actually done it yet when he offers to make one for Catherine. It's a small thing, but that's what editing is all about -- page after page of small things.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got 252 more pages of small things to go over.
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