The following snippet was submitted by a willing victim . . . er, guinea pig . . for the purposes of allowing me to massacre . . . er, edit it. I promise, I’ll be gentle.
I’m posting it in its entirety first, and then again with my changes, so you can see why I’ve done what I did. I’ll include explanations as I go, too.
The sound of thunder pierced the room, and Julia bolted upright in bed. She pressed her hands to her ears, bracing for the next jarring sound, but it didn’t come. She looked around the room and all was still. A glance at the clock told her she should still be asleep. It was five o’clock. She edged her way to the window beside her bed and peered out into the looming darkness. There was no rain; the ground was dry and the dark sky was without a cloud. There had been no thunderstorm, only the one that lived in her head and made its way out at unexpected times to remind her that she had no peace.
She lay back down and covered herself with her comforter in an attempt to regain the sleep that eluded her at such times. It didn’t come. She tried to shut out the memories that always came after the imagined thunderstorms, but they remained and taunted her. She threw back the covers in defeat. A long shower would lighten the tone of this gloomy morning. A shower and a bagel would revive her faltering spirit and prepare her for the day ahead.
After lingering in the hot shower, she drove to Brachman’s to pick up a bagel with extra cream cheese to eat at work. Being at her office gave her a sense of order and purpose. She needed to escape the suffocating nightmare and the paralyzing feeling it created.
Julia licked a mouthful of cream cheese off a toasted bagel as she read the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune. She tried to start off each morning with a perusal of the paper and a few minutes of the early morning news on her small TV. Julia discarded the paper as the local news on the television caught her attention.
‘More details are coming to light about last week’s murder on the University of Utah campus. The body of the Lady Utes’ basketball player, Avery Thomas, was found last Monday afternoon in the women’s locker room. Starting forward for the Utes, Mick Webber, was arraigned yesterday for the murder. The couple was engaged, and this is the reason many are finding this heinous crime hard to believe.’
Okay, now here we go:
The sound of thunder pierced the room, and Julia bolted upright in bed. She pressed her hands to her ears, bracing for the next jarring sound, but it didn’t come. She looked around the room and all was still. A glance at the clock told her she should still be asleep. It was five o’clock. She edged her way to the window beside her bed and peered out into the looming darkness. There was no rain; the ground was dry and the dark sky was without a cloud. There had been no thunderstorm, only the one that lived in her head and made its way out at unexpected times to remind her that she had no peace.
I’ve bolded these words because each of them are what I call a “weight-bearing” word. They call attention to themselves by their very nature, which is that they are unusual and draw the reader’s eye. Our submitter is striving to create a scene of tension, but tension moves quickly. When you have so many weight-bearing words in one paragraph, it gets bogged down. I would recommend that the submitter make the following changes to this first excerpt:
The sound of thunder crashed through ("pierced" is a word you would generally use for a sharp sound, like a scream) the room, and Julia sat upright in bed. She pressed her hands to her ears, bracing for the next sound, but it didn’t come. She looked around the room and all was still. A glance at the clock told her she should still be asleep; it was only five o’clock. (Combined the two sentences to get rid of a choppy transition, and added “only” to add the transition into what time it was.) She made (took out “edged” – again, too heavy) her way to the window beside her bed and looked out (removed “peered”) into the looming darkness. There was no rain; the ground was dry and the dark sky was without a cloud. The only thunderstorm was the one that lived in her head and made its way out at unexpected times to remind her that she had no peace. (Reworked the sentence to eliminate some repetition.)
Okay, next chunk:
She lay back down and covered herself with her comforter in an attempt to regain the sleep that eluded her at such times. It didn’t come. She tried to shut out the memories that always came after the imagined thunderstorms, but they remained and taunted her. She threw back the covers in defeat. A long shower would lighten the tone of this gloomy morning. A shower and a bagel would revive her faltering spirit and prepare her for the day ahead.
There are several “her”s in that first bit. Let’s rework a little to read:
She lay back down and pulled up the comforter (got rid of two “her”s) in an attempt to regain the sleep that was so elusive at such times. (Got rid of the other “her.”) It didn’t come. She tried to shut out the memories that always came after the imagined thunderstorms, but they remained and taunted her. She threw back the covers in defeat. A long shower would lighten the tone of this gloomy morning. She could go for a warm bagel, too. (It was: A shower and a bagel would revive her faltering spirit and prepare her for the day ahead, but this last sentence seemed a little melodramatic.)
And another excerpt:
After lingering in the hot shower, she drove to Brachman’s to pick up a bagel with extra cream cheese to eat at work. Being at her office gave her a sense of order and purpose. She needed to escape the suffocating nightmare and the paralyzing feeling it created. (Right here, I feel the need for a transition or a page break. We just went from one thing to the next very abruptly. We’re being introduced to her like we don’t know who she is, and it says “a” bagel like we didn’t know she just bought one.) She (changed from Julia) licked a mouthful of cream cheese off the (changed from “a”) toasted bagel as she read the front page of The (changed from the) Salt Lake Tribune. She tried to start off each morning with a perusal of the paper and a few minutes of the early morning news on the small TV in her office. (Changed from “on her small TV.”) She (changed from “Julia” – she’s the only woman we’ve met so far, so we don’t need a repetition of her name until another woman comes on the scene.) discarded the paper as the local news on the television caught her attention.
‘More details are coming to light about last week’s murder on the University of Utah campus. The body of the Lady Utes’ basketball player, Avery Thomas, was found last Monday afternoon in the women’s locker room. Starting forward for the Utes, Mick Webber, was arraigned yesterday for the murder. Webber and Thomas were (changed from “The couple was” – I didn’t know who we were talking about there for a minute) engaged, and many (took out “this is the reason” – unprofessional for a TV anchor) are finding this heinous crime hard to believe.’
My comments: I’m definitely interested to find out what happens next. I would recommend that one of two things happens: 1. We either find out soon what the nightmares are and what caused them, or 2. Some sort of statement is made like “For a moment she started to relive the past, but she knew she didn’t have the time to dwell on it. Later, she told herself. She would think it through later.” This way, the reader is promised a solution to the question. If Julia has too many more of these nightmares, the reader is going to go crazy wanting to know why, so either give the answer or promise the answer.
I think you’re off to a good start. Remember, these are just suggestions and you are more than entitled to chuck them all out the window if they don’t feel right to you. This is your story and you have stewardship over it. Thanks for sending it in – I hope my comments were helpful!
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