Virtual Editing Workshop Part One

Here is a paragraph from my Work In Progress. I'm several edits into it and this is my next-to-last pass, so hopefully there won't be a lot to find, but I'm going to use this paragraph as an example for you.

Originally, this paragraph read: A million thoughts raced through Ken’s mind. Flattered by the Colonel’s compliments, he actually considered it for a fraction of a second. He had been feeling a little complacent lately, not bored, but … dull. This would be a change of pace, certainly. But as soon as the thought came, it left, chased out by his conviction that he needed to stay. How could he leave Catherine and Sunny behind, after all he had gone through to reunite his family, and with Sunny’s health still so fragile? He shook his head even while thinking the words.

Reading it over, what leaped out at me was this: A million thoughts raced through Ken’s mind. Flattered by the Colonel’s compliments, he actually considered it for a fraction of a second. He had been feeling a little complacent lately, not bored, but … dull. This would be a change of pace, certainly. But as soon as the thought came, it left, chased out by his conviction that he needed to stay. How could he leave Catherine and Sunny behind, after all he had gone through to reunite his family, and with Sunny’s health still so fragile? He shook his head even while thinking the words.


That's a whole lot of thinking for one paragraph.

So I changed it to:

A million thoughts raced through Ken’s mind. Flattered by the Colonel’s compliments, he actually considered it for a fraction of a second. He had been feeling a little complacent lately, not bored, but … dull. This would be a change of pace, certainly. But as soon as the thought came, it left, chased out by his conviction that he needed to stay. How could he leave Catherine and Sunny behind, after all he had gone through to reunite his family, and with Sunny’s health still so fragile? He shook his head even while considering it.

But then I noticed:

Flattered by the Colonel’s compliments, he actually considered it for a fraction of a second. . . . He shook his head even while considering it.

So now, after looking it over carefully, this is how the paragraph now reads:

A million thoughts raced through Ken’s mind. Flattered by the Colonel’s compliments, he actually considered it for a fraction of a second. He had been feeling a little complacent lately, not bored, but … dull. This would be a change of pace, certainly. But as soon as the thought came, it left, chased out by his conviction that he needed to stay. How could he leave Catherine and Sunny behind, after all he had gone through to reunite his family, and with Sunny’s health still so fragile? He shook his head even while contemplating it.