My favorite color has always been lavender.
I don't remember when I first made this decision. I like pink - probably will forever - but there was something about lavender that just spoke to me. It was softer than purple, a little more unusual, and it felt pretty and feminine and just right. I can't remember a time when it wasn't my favorite.
The other day I was experimenting with backgrounds in my Gmail account. I have a couple of accounts and I use them for different things. I figured I'd change the background of each to help me mentally separate them. One is a bright blue with green leaves. One is just the regular setup. And my most-used account is lavender.
And I discovered something.
I don't like lavender anymore.
It reminds me of a person I used to be, not the person I am now. When I look at it, I feel limited, like I'm being dragged backwards into my old faults and into people's old expectations of me. It's like the ghost of a former Tristi when there's a new Tristi right in front of us, a more confident, wiser Tristi.
Isn't it weird how a color can do that?
So I'm changing the color of my e-mail account. I haven't decided what to use instead - there are a lot of choices. But I'll chose something that feels like progress.
And you want to know something? I've chosen a new favorite color.
This is who I am now.
And in twenty years, I'll probably change my mind again, and that's all right, because it means that I've grown again, which is how it should be.