Saturday, January 22, 2011

Articles of Faith of the Mormon Culture

I have no idea who wrote this - I received it as an e-mail forward - but it's absolutely brilliant!!  If anyone knows who wrote it, please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due. 

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans as the true form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, and in the multilevel marketing.
2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.
3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.
4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.
5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or an historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.
6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.
8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and Sprite to ward parties.
9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.
10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory, and the Tennis Shoe Series.
11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege.  Let them name drop the names of famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.
12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.
13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.


Ann T. said...

Ha, Ha, LOVE IT!! Thanks for posting.

Holly (2 Kids and Tired) said...

Love it, love it, love it!!!

Anonymous said...

Very clever! Some members might think it irreverent, but there is much lighthearted, and even deep truth, here! The sort of thing that might draw some to look into our beliefs more deeply, I think.

mormonhermitmom said...

Crap. I refuse to listen to Glen Beck so I guess I'll be excommunicated now. ;)

Anonymous said...

That is so much fun! One would have to actually be familiar with how the real Articles of Faith read to fully understand how wonderfully funny these are. But even without that knowledge, these are great. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes!

Thanks for sharing!

Chas Hathaway said...


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