More Edits from Tristi's Work in Progress

I'm laid up with a sore foot today (they thought it might be a stress fracture but the x-ray said no) so I'm actually getting some editing done. Here are some segments I found in my manuscript I thought might be helpful to show:

Was: Adoption was, of course, an option, but she would never be able to have a child of her own.


Adoption's an option! Sounds a bit like "Moses supposes his toeses are roses." Let's change that.

Now: Adoption was an alternative, of course, but she would never be able to have a child of her own.


Much better.

How about: He went down into the basement and pulled out a box full of things he had packed away years ago, thinking he’d never have a need for them. For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to throw them away, although Catherine teased him about it time and time again. Down at the bottom of this box was a chess set he had purchased while attending Columbia University. When Yoshindo wrote to tell him of Tsuneko's death, Ken had packed it away, unwilling to face the memories the game brought, memories of all the nights he and Yoshindo played chess together in Japan.

This one bugs me for a couple of different reasons. Notice how many times I say "packed away?" It's too many. And when Catherine teases him "time and time again," it makes it sound like she's totally after him about that box. I just wasn't feeling the vibe here, so I changed it a little.

Now: He went down into the basement and pulled out a box full of things stored years ago. For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to throw them away, although Catherine teased him about it from time to time. Down at the bottom of this box was a chess set he had purchased while attending Columbia University. When Yoshindo wrote to tell him of Tsuneko's death, Ken had packed it away, unwilling to face the memories the game brought, memories of all the nights he and Yoshindo played chess together in Japan.


I'll probably tweak it a little more on my final pass, but that's how it stands for just now.



Also, how about this one: "Would you like to play a game with me?"

"Right now?” She glanced at the clock. “It’s after midnight, and you've got meetings tomorrow."

"Have you got other plans?"

She looked at Ken in surprise, then smiled. "I'm not going anywhere."

You didn't see this, because you don't have the whole manuscript in front of you, but I've had people looking at clocks and watches all the way through this thing. A few minutes ago, I said aloud, "Could there be any more looking at clocks in this book?" My mom is here helping me today, and she said, "Well, it's your book. You're the best one to answer that question."

Well, yeah, of course I am. So here we go.


"Would you like to play a game with me?"

"Right now? It's got to be after midnight, and you have meetings tomorrow."

"Have you got other plans?"

She looked surprised, but smiled. "I'm not going anywhere."

What I did here was I had her surmise what time it was, rather than know. Additionally, in the first draft, when I said that she said it "in surprise," it sounded like a POV shift. I'm the only one who knows if I say something in surprise. So I changed it to "she looked surprised," which brings it back to Ken's POV. I'll probably shake things up and take out some of the "have"s in that conversation in my final draft, while I'm at it.

Amazing the things you find when you haven't edited for a little while.