The Best Toilet-papering Story Ever

A lot of people don't believe me when I say my mother taught me how to go toilet papering. I mean, look at that sweet little face ... surely a face like that would never dream of such a thing! But no . . . she not only used to toilet paper, but she was the grand master schemer of the toilet papering. Allow me to illustrate. (Some of the names have been changed to protect the toilet papered.)

When I was thirteen, we had a family friend who was about my age and who bragged that no one would ever be able to toilet paper his house because of his security system. Well, you just couldn't say something like that in front of my mom and not expect some sort of retribution to take place. She called another friend of that family who happened to live on the property, explained what we were up to, and found out where all the triggers were for the automatic lights all over the property. Then we went there, toilet papered his house, hung a sign on his bedroom window pointing inward so he'd see it when he woke up (the sign said "gotcha!") and went on our merry way without tripping one single light.

Yes, my mother spearheaded that entire plan. Sadly, our friend totally suspected someone else and we had to admit it was us before we got any glory for it.

Well, there's a part B to that story.

About twenty years later, now a published author and freelance editor, I'd been invited to go visit a critique group that also records podcasts. My mom came along as my driver - I don't drive on the freeway. This group fed us a great dinner and then we taped the podcast. Because my mom was with me, I told them some stories about her, including the story above. They thought that was awesome.

It came time for me and my mom to leave, as the critique group still had some chapters to work over before they disbanded for the night. As we walked out onto the porch, I said to my mom, "It's too bad we can't run to a store and get some toilet paper and come back and toilet paper this house real quick."

She looked at me and grinned. "I went to Costco this morning, and I have a whole case of toilet paper in the trunk of my car."

Giggling, we ran to the car, grabbed the toilet paper, festooned the porch like crazy, and drove away. I'm told that when the group came outside, they laughed so hard, they almost fell over.

Mission accomplished.

I do realize that toilet papering is vandalism and shouldn't be done. And I swear, the time mentioned above is the last time I did it. But to any who may be feeling negativity at this moment, I just have one thing to say ...

My mother made me do it.

You can read more about my quirky mother in Life Lessons from Mothers of Faith.