Spencer was unable to attend last weekend's LDStorymakers Writers Conference, but is pleased to hear that his entry in the First Chapters Contest was so well received. Unfortunately, it was disqualified on two counts: being late, and not being the first chapter. Contest chair Jaime Theler says she hopes Spencer will learn his lesson ... er, be a little more punctual next year. Spencer has agreed to guest blog here today.
So, I hear you all had fun at your little conference thingy. I've been trolling the Internet and I've seen some really positive comments all over the place, so I guess I missed out. I'll try to make it next year, but you know how it is ... facials, manicures ... how do you work it all in?
I was glad to hear that Tristi read my chapter at the conference. As far as I know, it's the only chapter that was presented from the stage, so I guess that has to mean something, even if I didn't win, right? And what does a disqualification really matter in the long run. I got some name exposure and it's all good.
Tristi asked if I would post my entry here. Sure, I guess I can do that. Just remember, people, it has a copyright and if you quote me, you have to give me credit. Make sure to capitalize the "K" in my last name. Drives me nuts when people forget.
* * *
“I know what you are,” I said. I looked at Tedward. “Your skin is green. You’re impossibly cheerful. You pay for everything with gold coins.”
“Say it,” he urged.
“You’re … a leprechaun.”
“Yes, Stella,” he said. “I am a leprechaun. How did you figure it out?”
“Hopsy told me.”
Tedward growled. “Hopsy is my mortal enemy. His people and my people have been enemies for years. Finally a truce was made, but it’s an uneasy truce. Leprechauns and Easter Bunnies will never be friends.” He reached out and touched my face. “I’m glad you know the truth about me, Stella. But I’m not just any leprechaun—I’m an evil leprechaun.”
“I’m not scared of you,” I said.
“You should be,” he said. Suddenly he was at my side. Then he was on my left. Then he was on my right. Then he was hanging upside down from a nearby branch. He was making me dizzy—or was it his sparkling white smile that made me weak?
“I could kill you,” he said. “I could rip you in pieces and eat this half with mustard and that half with ketchup.”
“You wouldn’t do that,” I said.
He reached out to touch my face. “But I could.”
“But you wouldn’t,” I said.
He trailed his fingers down my face. “I could strangle you and leave you out here in the woods.”
“Do go on,” I said.
“No, Stella,” he said, touching my face. “I have a rope in my backpack. I could hang you. You shouldn’t trust me.”
“But you won’t hurt me.”
He opened his jacket and I saw a gun in a holster under his arm. “This is a Glock. I could shoot you right now. I have thirty-seven vials of poison in my pocket. Plus, I have a knife in my boot. You shouldn’t trust me, Stella. I’m telling you. I’m dangerous. But, I love you, all these death threats notwithstanding."
I reached out and slapped his arm. “Silly boy! Whatever would you want with me? I’m just a wan, pale, homely little thing.”
“Stella, don’t you know how beautiful you are?”
“No, no, I don’t. I am wan and pale and homely.”
He touched my face. “You are beautiful. And your smell … do you have any idea how good you smell?”
I picked up a piece of my hair and sniffed it. “I’ve been told I smell like freesia …
“Freesia? Who would want to eat freesia? Girl, you smell like a double bacon cheeseburger with a side order of onion rings. And a Diet Coke.”
“A Diet Coke?”
“A Diet Coke. Do you see why you’re in danger?”
“You’d kill me for a Diet Coke? Real Coke, maybe I can see, but Diet Coke?”
“You shouldn’t be with me, Stella. I’m no good for you.”
“But Tedward, I trust you. After you saved me from the collapsing bridge and the falling tower and the crashing bus and the stampeding elephants and the cholera and the tumbling shopping mall, how could I not trust you?”
“But you can’t! Don’t you see? Your fingers look like French fries …”
“I thought you said I smelled like onion rings.”
He groaned. “Don’t remind me. You’re making it worse.”
“I trust you, Tedward. I believe in you.”
He reached out to touch my face.
38 comments:
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Spencer was a doll to let you post his chapter on your blog! You are so lucky! I'd love to interview him! He is so talented! He really should have a blog. WOW!
Please let him know he has another fan. My husband liked his chapter too. Maybe he will be able to get his chapter in next year on time.
I about died from asphyxiation while this was being read (and how dare I? I don't know how to spell it...), I was laughing so hard I forgot to breathe!
Kim from temporary Insanity sent me over.
giggle, snort, guffaw, snigger, etc...
Spencer wins in my book!
LOL! This piece is as good the second time as hearing it read out loud. I tweeted about it, so I hope you get lots of hits from folks who'll enjoy Spencer's guest blog.
I LOVED this chapter. If only it had made it to the super-grand-prize-winner. I would have voted for it!!!! Thanks Spencer and Tristi for putting it up here. I can't wait to read it to my husband. =]
Love it! I have to share :)
I was laughing so hard at the conference that I cried! And it's still great. I've had a lot of requests for this, Spencer. Thanks so much for sharing!
Ha! Ha! Ha! (Etc.) Spencer's just going to have to write the rest of this book.
Really, it's too bad it was too late and didn't qualify. Spencer should have won.
It's the next bestseller, I tell ya!
Nichole
I am so glad that you posted this here. I laughed so hard! Thanks!!
p.s. I forgot to add that Tristi's reading of this was DEAD ON. Just perfect. Everyone was rolling in the aisles. =]
I was hoping that you would post this. I can imagine it in your deadpan delivery. So funny!!! I about split my sides every time you mentioned him touching her face.
So, so, so great.
One of the best moments from conference, and I agree that your reading was masterfully deadpan. Brilliant!
I loved it too. You caught the tone of the original perfectly. Brilliant.
My husband's never read the book OR seen the movie and he still got it. Hilarious!
I was laughing almost the whole time and missed some! Several people at our table looked around in confusion until I said "Twilight" at which they rolled their eyes. :)
I was laughing almost the whole time and missed some! Several people at our table looked around in confusion until I said "Twilight" at which they rolled their eyes. :)
I think Stephanie Meyer has met her match. I loved the sexual tension between Tedward and Stella - Spencer is a genius! More . . . I need more!
I'm "green" with envy--all that touching of the face and diet Coke! Well I'm off to spend my gold coins...
Seriously, this is hilarious--and Tristi, you nailed the reading of it!
That was one of my favorite moments from the conference--it was great reading it here, especially since I could perfectly recall how you said it. VERY funny. I enjoyed it so much!
WOW! That was..... WOW! Haha! I'm so glad other people like to make fun of Twilight as much as I do :) :)
Spencer, Spencer, you must continue to write--talent like yours needs to be carefully tended until it blossoms into its full potential.
I must have the book!
That was so hilariously funny. I don't think I've laughed that hard in at least 3 1/2 days.
This has to be my favorite memory from the conference. Thank you so much for the laugh!
This is hilarious. You captured the absurdity of all that hype in one swoop of your pen, err, um, keyboard.
Okay. So I know this is dumb, and I'm admitting way too much here, but would someone please explain what is so funny in this chapter? Is it the diet coke? The french fries? The onion rings? I don't get it. Help me here.
Not sure if you've read Twilight or not, but Edward is always going on and on about how good Bella smells. So it's a play on that.
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