I'm Grateful

I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time. Now it's two in the morning and I really should be asleep, and yet for some reason, it seems like the perfect time to share these thoughts that have been percolating for so long.

I've noticed a trend on the Internet lately. Someone will post a blog about why they're grateful they have kids, and invariably, someone in the comment trail will say, "But you're making people without kids feel bad."

This trend extends to real life. Someone will bear their testimony in church about how grateful they are that they recovered from an illness, and later, someone else is overheard to say, "Well, that's nice, but what about Brother Jones? He didn't get well. I wonder if that testimony offended Sister Jones."

A very well-known author likes to praise his wife in his Facebook statuses. He loves her dearly and is grateful to have her in his life, and he mentions it frequently. One of his followers chastised him for it, saying that he was hurting the feelings of those who don't have good marriages or aren't married at all.

And I feel for the people who don't have that kind of love and who have lost loved ones to illness or accidents and I'm so sorry for all those who have never had children. Not for one minute would I want to open their wounds.

And yet ...

And yet ...

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments." Doctrine and Covenants 59:21

My life isn't perfect. Anyone who hangs around me long enough to hear me whine will attest to that. I have some fairly serious things I'm working through and seeking to overcome. But here's the thing - I'm so, so blessed, and I know I am, and I would be the worst kind of person if I did not tell my Heavenly Father thank you every single day. I know where my blessings come from. I know His hand is in my life. And if I withheld my praise because I was worried about hurting someone's feelings, I would be hurting my relationship with my Father in Heaven.

And the thing is this.

Perhaps I say I'm grateful for an amazing husband, and you're on the brink of divorce and my comment reminds you of your pain. But you know what - you might just have something that my heart yearns for. My gratitude for what I have shouldn't diminish your gratitude for what you have - we are both blessed. It just might be in different ways.

And you know what else - it's not a contest. We don't hold contests to see who really has more to be grateful for because it's not possible to measure it - gratitude has nothing to do with how many awesome things you have. It has everything to do with your attitude and how much thankfulness you show for whatever you do have. A woman with nine children might, on paper, have more to be grateful for than a woman who has only had one, but if the woman with one recognizes her blessings, her gratitude can easily surpass that of the other woman's.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. It's a wonderful thing to choose our words carefully and to avoid saying things that we know will cause pain. But if it means that we're neglecting to say things that really need to be said, we're not really helping each other. And neglecting to give thanks for the things that we do have not only slows down our ability to recognize other blessings, but damages our most important relationship, which is with God.

I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for a fantastic husband who loves me no matter what, supports me in everything I do, and is super easy on the eyes.

I'm grateful for four amazing kids who make me laugh and make me think and make my heart melt.

I'm grateful for my house.

I'm grateful for two cars.

And I could go back through that list and add caveats - my house is too small for us now and we need a bigger one, and both our cars are falling apart, and the other day my kids had a fight ... doesn't matter. Isn't relevant. I'm grateful.

And most of all, I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who walks beside me every day, sent His Son to die for me and live for me, gives me peace and calm and comfort in life's storms, and gives me purpose for everything I do.

My life's not perfect. I'm sometimes deeply saddened by the things I would dearly love to have that I don't, things I won't go into here but that sometimes make my heart hurt. But when I have those moments, I can ask my Heavenly Father to help increase my gratitude in other things, and that does help lessen the sting. And you know what? I'm grateful for that, too.

Taking Time to Breathe ...

It's been about a month since my last post, and that's pretty rare for me. Back when I started up this blog, I was sometimes posting a couple of times a day. You know - all those quizzes, like "What kind of purple are you?" and stuff like that. It's like we didn't have enough to put on our blogs, so the Internet was providing us with filler so we could all run around and see just how purple all our blog friends were ... because we had nothing better to do ... and some days, we didn't.

Now I'm posting less frequently, but I hope what I'm offering is more valuable.

I'd like to share a little bit about what I've been up to lately. Yes, I'm writing (two new books coming out soon) and I'm editing (pretty much full-time) and I'm still homeschooling and doing the stay-at-home-work-at-home mom thing. My new publishing company has produced two books so far (hooray!) I'm really busy with my church assignments, and then there's this handsome dude who calls me his wife, so yes, I've got a lot going on.

Internally, I was a whole 'nother mess of chaos. I was dealing with emotional issues that affected my weight and my feelings about myself and the world around me. I was dealing with guilt over things I couldn't control - so, yeah, why feel guilty about them - and also feelings of inadequacy. I had an early miscarriage back in October, and wondered what I had done wrong to make my body lose the baby. On and on and on it went, a cycle of trying to stay on top of things, never feeling as though I was getting anywhere, and wondering if I would ever feel like enough.

In November, I made a decision.

No more.

I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself to recover so I could get pregnant again, putting a lot of pressure on myself to lose the weight I'd regained (because of the emotional issues), and putting a lot of pressure on myself to be at the top of my game every minute. But in November, I said, no more.

I told my doctor I was taking some time off, and he said, "Good for you."

And then I sat down and really started looking at my life.

I looked at all my blessings, and I looked at all the stuff that's bothering me. I started praying intently, asking the Lord for help in fixing me. For someone who spends all her time helping others fix their mistakes (as an editor, for books), it was something else to shift the focus to me and fixing my mistakes (as a person, for life). I attended the temple and had some amazing spiritual experiences, which I won't be sharing, but trust me, they were amazing. I had a series of priesthood blessings that were comforting and affirming and uplifting. I was able to see my life for what it really is and to understand that I don't need to carry the burdens of all my expectations anymore - that I can take things one step at a time, and that being me is awesome enough without having to embellish it or augment it with, "Not only that, but she can juggle, too!"

You'd think that because I took the focus off my physical health and turned it toward my mental health, I'd be gaining even more weight. But you know what, the more I work on my mental health, the better my body is doing. Yeah, yeah, weight-loss gurus have been telling us that for years, that once we get our heads right, the weight loss happens. But there's a huge difference between knowing it and believing it. And there's also a huge difference between believing it and being able to put it into action.

Since November, I've taken all the pressure off myself. If I want to watch a show, I watch a show without feeling guilty that I really should be writing that chapter instead.  If I want to eat a brownie, I eat the brownie. If I want to take a nap, I take a nap ... and surprisingly, to me at least, I'm more productive in the other areas of my life than I was when I regimented myself like a drill sergeant. And I'm drawn more to the healthy foods when I ask my body what it wants instead of telling it what I think it should want.

So many things have happened since November, I can't even explain them all - nor should I. It's been a very personal journey, one that I'm still taking. But I'm sharing this much with you for one simple reason, and that is this ... for the first time in my adult life, I am at peace.

I am calm.

I am honoring myself.

I am moving at a pace that feels more natural to me.

I have taken off the expectations and am moving with the flow of my own creativity and rhythm.

And I'm learning and growing and becoming. I've asked the Lord to be in charge, and He's doing a much better job than I ever was. He's much more gentle with me than I am with myself, and He tells me on a regular basis to take care of myself ... something I never did before, really and truly.

Down the road a little bit, I'll finish taking off the rest of the weight I regained, and I'll try again for another baby. It will happen when it's right, and for the moment, I'm not worried about it at all.

I'm enjoying the peace too much to worry.